“They say you should treat your body like a temple. I treat mine like a fast-moving dumpster.” - Matthew Inman, The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances
Happy New Year. Raise your hand if you ate and drank truckloads of calories over the past three weeks. Me too! So I resolve to do better, but how firm is my resolve? Think about it. How many New Years resolutions have you broken so far? A bunch of them? Me too!
Help is at hand. I am here not only to entertain and educate, but also to help us stick to our New Years dieting resolutions. My method is drug-free and simple - no expensive diet pills - no tiring exercise plans that cost loads of money producing questionable results. This unique program, dubbed the Appetite Suppression Plan (ASP), is given here absolutely free, with no strings attached.
Bear with me as I explain my foolproof ASP diet plan. When I was a kid enjoying a great hot dog, my uncle always informed me that wieners are made from pigs' snouts and assholes. I didn't really believe him, and it didn't matter anyhow. They tasted great. However, as I aged, gaining some life experience, I learned that hog processing plants use all parts of the animal, everything but the squeal. In fact, in one of my jobs I had occasion to tour a hog processing plant. Without going into the gory details, which would help suppress your appetite, I witnessed a couple fellows wearing rubber boots, wielding aluminum scoop shovels and moving a large mound of some mushy, grey, unappetizing gunk. When asked, the tour guide informed our group that we were witnessing one of the steps in the processing of "pork parts" into wieners and bologna. It mattered not. I tend to have a cast iron stomach, probably even going home and having a hot dog that evening.
Perhaps you have watched the CNN TV show, Anthony Bourdain Parts Unknown. He travels the world, sampling all manner of unusual and strange foods from every culture known to mankind. He will often join people in eating foods which most North Americans are quite unaccustomed to eating - foods which we might find unappetizing, even repulsive. Perhaps that is how Mr Bourdain keeps his trim, youthful body shape. He unknowing uses my ASP.
If you are one of those North Americans who want to lose weight and you are repulsed by the thought of eating snouts and assholes, my ASP diet is the right prescription for dropping a few pounds. The first step in the ASP diet plan is to purchase a few boxes of the yummy pork parts depicted in this photo. Incidentally, when I first looked at the photo, I wondered if rectums even have bones.
For more graphic descriptions of the uses of these animal parts, click on the photo of the boxes of delectable pork rectums and spend fifteen minutes listening to a radio program which could assist you in losing your appetite. (Note: The first 5 minutes or so are purely introduction to the one hour program, but you can listen while you do productive work like reading another one of my helpful blogs or playing computer games. Just open a new computer window and go about your business.)
Click on the dog and martini at the end of this blog for a unique recipe, which I would wager you haven't previously tried. The martini has some significance. Most of us will need a couple good stiff drinks before trying this - it works for Anthony Bourdain.
If you have found this whole blog rather disgusting and distasteful, perhaps I have achieved my objective. But if you are really adventuresome and daring in trying new foods you just might develop an appetite for pork bungs.
Happy New Year!
Gerald M. Sliva
You'll bark too if you try this recipe.
Still Barking! Blog of