"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" - Milton Berle
Scientific studies show that women are superior to men when it comes to multi-tasking. Men will dispute those findings and will stubbornly assert that they can be just as ignorant as women when dangerous multi-tasking is involved.
Many jurisdictions now have warnings and increasingly heavy penalties for the infraction of using a handheld cell phone while driving. Studies have shown that texting while driving can be more dangerous than driving under the influence of alcohol. Yet people persist in habits which put themselves and others at risk. Makes one wonder why we spend gobs of money on cancer research to prolong lives when we make a habit of shortening our own life and that of our neighbour by thoughtless use of guns and distracted driving.
A few weeks ago, while breezing down Bishop Grandin Highway I drove alongside a woman gazing into her rear-view mirror vigorously applying makeup while manoeuvring her SUV through heavy early morning rush hour traffic. Not to be outdone, men will stubbornly use their electric razor, grooming themselves while driving to work. Viewing these displays of morning indiscretion, I can only conclude that people want to look their best when they meet St Peter at the pearly gates after tailgating and piling into the vehicle in front of them.
In Winnipeg, just one year ago, our city fathers brought in reduced speed zones near schools. There was copious grumbling about having to drive slowly through a school zone, but I'm all for it. How can one operate a motor vehicle and a cell phone while reading a book? Yes! Reading a book! One morning, while driving through a school zone, I witnessed a man gazing at a book propped up on his steering wheel while he blithely dodged students attempting to use the crosswalk.
But last week, I saw an incident which took the cake. A woman in the vehicle next to me, driving at 80 kilometres per hour – that's 50 mph for our American friends – was eating a large hero sandwich, collating a huge stack of papers and driving, all at the same time. I could only wonder, with what appendage was she steering the car? My evil twin gazed at her, wanting to put a hex on her. But on sober second thought I got the hell out of there before she accomplished the inevitable task of plowing into some innocent bystander. Could be me!
Some of us don't believe in evolution. But if evolution is a fact perhaps we could divert some of those cancer research funds into speeding up evolution. We need four eyes and four arms: two eyes for watching the road, two arms for handling the steering wheel and two of each for manipulating our electronic devices. On reconsideration, I think we need a fifth arm. This last one will have a permanently erect middle finger for making rude gestures at other drivers. Or perhaps a safer and more reasonable alternative might be to teach our dogs to drive, freeing us up to play our silly games.
Stay safe, my friends.
Gerald M. Sliva
Still Barking! Blog of